**warning::please read this post with a clear and uncluttered mind.the writer will not in any circumstances be responsible for any headache that might follow**
when i watched my life without me, there was this one line that sarah polley said that really caught my attention.i can't remember her words exactly but it pretty much says this"...i haven't had the time to think in so many years, so much so that i'm probably out of practice."
i was trying to write this post just now.about this woman who smiled at me at masjid jamek station years ago..and at the middle of the post i was stuck.i didn't know what to say.or rather i just didn't know how to say what i want to say.
the thing is do you have any idea how many unfinished and half completed posts there are, saved in my friendster blog under 'drafts'.You see, i have this problem of completing whatever it is that i'm writing about.It's hard for me to focus on only a subject.and yes.this happen whenever i write ANYTHING including english essays.which explains my erratic essay marks mase kat matrix and skolah.Ok this is a rough account on what would happen everytime i try to write a post in my blog::
I'd usually get an idea on what to write first,this happen usually not in front of the computer but at various places-in the bathroom, while watching the kittens chase each other's tail,while people watching in the train/crowded shopping complex/train stations,in the car,etc etc.There're posts that have been a spur of the moment action like the previous post-rest in peace which i wrote(ok,typed.) after i saw the title of zarf's bulletin-cucur ikan bilis-which has the word 'ikan' in it which in turn reminded me of my fish that died just a few hours before which of course saddens me and prompted me to wrote the aforementioned post.(ok.ape aku membebel ni).and there was this spur of the moment post which was prompted by my anger towards someone, it is aptly titled 'how not to be a chauvinistic bastard'.unfortunately,that was one of the incomplete posts-saved under-drafts that i told you about.
ok.back to the main topic of 'kenape banyak sngt incomplete posts' well,when i have an idea of what to write,once i've positioned myself in front of the computer,alone in the room,with (usually) a horlicks kosong/milo kosong by my side if it's night, or orange juice or air sejuk kosong if it's day (e.g:now),status ym yg dah ditukar kepada 'busy',and locked door.i would just clack away on the keyboard.and everything would go on smoothly,that is up until-i reach the middle of the post or sometimes a quater of the post.By then, i'd get so 'hyped' up that a train of thoughts regarding the subject would run through my head, and of course to elaborate each ideas and thoughts u would have to analyse it first and as soon as i analyse an idea,another thought or idea relating to the first idea but not necessarily related to the main topic, would pop up.and this would bring me to another idea (or thoughts or subject if u prefer to call it)and another,and another and another.eventually this will become so exhausting and before you know it,i had long stop attacking the keyboard because i was too busy thinking and analysing and am exhausted from all the thinkings and analysing.The thing is.it is also hard for me to put my thoughts into words because::
a)i usually had to think before i type something or else,...a post similar to this would be produced (i.e:incomprehensible sentences and paragraphs,scattered and unstructured topics,wrong or inaccurate usage of words,redundancy of ideas and words,etc etc)
b)the thoughts in my head are -metaphorically speaking-just like the steady stream of water coming out of the firemen's pipe.(oh you know,the one they use to put out fires).they are steady,fast and comes in large amount thus its hard for me to analyse them and not be lost in my thoughts.
c)ok.come to think of it,the thought in everyone's head pun are just like the steady stream of water.and they still manage to produce a helluva good posts.so the other explanation must be that i have a short attention span.(>_<)
d)sometimes (ok.fine.slalu jugak) i am just at lost for words.a classic case of limited vocab.
e)whenever i am at lost for words for too long..i am easily discouraged to continue with my posts.thus i'll save it under 'drafts' under the pretense of completing it some other day.(pls take note:the word pretense is not an inaccurate usage of words,because actually i was trying to deceive myself into believing that i would complete the post some other day.heh.who am i kidding?)
all the reasons stated above explains why my posts are usually short and most of the time,i'd just include many,many, pictures and only a ciput, and brief descriptions.pictures paints a thousand words konon.sebenarnye,i am the one who is always at lost for words.sheesh. T_T
ok.i think i'll try to describe the thing that goes in my head whenever i try to write something.and you tell me if it's normal.ok jap, i have to think of one subject.ummm...ummmm...ok!why not talk abt the subject that made me write this post in the first place-abt the woman who smiled at me-
a few years ago-the fist year of high school to be exact, i was walking down the stairs at masjid jamek station, that was my overnight outing and i was on my way home.then there was this really pretty lady who was walking up the stairs,she was wearing a black suit,her skirt was kneelenght.she was an indian i think.-eh jap, should i put was an indian or is an indian?-i mean..we usually use was for dead ppl..u knoe, like, for example, the late miss brown was nice.etc.etc.and i dont know whether she's still alive.so kene use is or was??i mean..kalau i use was and indian..takkan lah skarang die bukan indian lagi...but...
-you see!this is what i'm talking about.this is an actual rough account of what's going in my head tau!-ok.what i was trying to do is telling you about one of the most vivid memory in my life.and it is about a stranger too-about the kind of person whom ur eyes met with at a crowded place (partly because u kept staring at her because u thought she's beautiful and that u would want to grow up and dress like her, and wear your hair like her,and walk with poise like her etc.etc.) and whom would smile sincerely and warmly at you,yes you who stared at her-in your school uniform,sweats and all,with tudung so selebet because the only thing in ur mind is to get home and you couldn't be bothered to betulkan the tudung langsung.and then u smiled back.and that's it.that becomes one of the most vivid memory in your life.
ok.i was trying to tell u that story.but in the middle of it a debate of whether to use 'is' or 'was' arise.and hey,that is exactly the kind of thing that would lead to another thing,or if it does not, would discourage me into completing my post.told ya i'm a pemalas who have short attention span. *_*
heh.u're pobably wondering..what that i've said in this post has got to do with that line sarah polley had said in 'my life without me'.she said,
"...i haven't had the time to think in so many years, so much so that i'm probably out of practice."
well,this thing can be applied to me.only, in my case i can rephrase it as,"..i have been so used to giving up so quickly while writing things that i really want to write that i'm afraid soon,i'm gonna be out of practice."
haha.well,this is the end of this post.
p/s:to those who have managed to read the post this far,without skipping anything that is,thank you for bearing with such crap writings.kamu mmg tabah! ^_^^_^
but i'm still not responsible for any headaches that might follow.
cheers!~
